If it weren’t for them, the stacks of the Shiloh Elementary School library would have remained surreptitiously infested with yet another attempt by the gay propaganda machine to corrupt the minds of our children.

As a result of the efforts of these noble morality warriors, the light has been shone on the darkness of And Tango Makes Three, the illustrated children’s book based on the true story of Roy and Silo, two Central Park Zoo male penguins who shared a nest and raised Tango, the chick who hatched from a fertilized egg given to them by a zookeeper.

Move that book to where it belongs - behind the curtain in the basement.

Perhaps a bit too warrior?

Not to worry. The Shiloh parents only wanted to have Tango banished to the “mature” section of the library. Require a parent’s signature to check it out.

Amen. That way there’s more room in the children’s section for those lovely war books.

In its infinite wisdom, the Arkansas Child Welfare Agency Review Board, which oversees the state’s foster care program, came up with a humdinger of a trench. Tucked into its Standards for Approval of Family Foster Homes, this body of book-learned adults included the following:

Family foster parents must have the personal characteristics which enable them to assume the responsibility of caring for foster children. No person may serve as a foster parent if any adult member of that person’s household is a homosexual. “Homosexual”, for purposes of this rule, shall mean any person who voluntarily and knowingly engages in or submits to any sexual contact involving the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person of the same gender, and who has engaged in such activity after the foster home is approved or at a point in time that is reasonably close in time to the
filing of the application to be a foster parent. p. 6, Section 6.0 A.2 PUB-022 (R. 01/2002)

Let me get this straight. If you engage or submit and have engaged at a time that is close in time, you’re out. And if any adult member of your household engages or submits and has engaged at a time that is close in time, he or she is out, too. But if you engage or submit but haven’t engaged at a time that is close in time, you’re safe. You’re also safe if you have minor members of your household who engage or submit and have engaged at a time that is close in time. But you may have other issues in which the State of Arkansas is interested.

The rationale behind this burst of brilliance is that, according to the agency’s lawyer, moral fitness is fundamental to the health and safety of foster children. And everyone knows that sexual orientation is the litmus test for moral fitness.

As Justice Annabelle Clinton Imber so astutely queried during yesterday’s oral arguments, Arkansas is also going to have to ask heterosexuals if they engage or submit.

I, for one, am not saying whether I engage or submit, or even if I have engaged or submitted at a time that is close in time. And you can bet your trench that the members of Arkansas’ Child Welfare Agency aren’t saying either.

One case in particular is that of Lauren Topliffe. Just last week this young woman, no doubt under pressure from the subversive Soulforce Equality Ride, had the audacity to out herself on the campus of one of our beloved institutions of higher learning. Yes, middle America, our own Oklahoma Baptist University.

This, ladies and gentlemen, gives you somewhat of a picture of the type of individuals who are helping to shape the future of our country. In my opinion, our institutions of higher learning, which are one of our most important societal benchmarks, are thoroughly infested with gays and lesbians.

Thank God.